Emotions can be poisonness, and dreams can be haunting.
Tuesday, Aug. 27, 2002 @ 11:21
Subject:
.Are you busy or avoiding me.
Dearest Jenna.
I came in as a friend; if you feel that I can't be one just tell me cause I don't want to impose.
I only want to wish you a good luck and a life full of love.
This e-mail gives me a lump in the chest, and a bullet in the stomach. No tears, "duh!" Fustration though, maybe? "uh... gosh!" I wrote more about this in my one of my personal entries (just tried to call it something, hehh.) Written after all the stupid ~~~~~'s.
I have not replied yet to that e-mail. I just don't know what to say back to him. I have been reluctant to reply to any e-mails for the last few weeks, unfortunately... Especially to his three e-mails he had sent to me in such a short time. What does he want from me? I'm not that busy, no. Just a lot has taken place, a lot of happenings... Hmmm, you people can tell that from my diary already. Anyway...
I am not good and that nice with friends it seems. Not at all. I like my friends and want friends of course. But I am sooo stupid* to treat them strange and distant, and all they do is care.
So what should I write back? I want to tell him the whole truth: that this relationship should be over, and fast! I can't deal with a person that much older than me, with these strong emotions*for me, telling me he loves me. And quite frankily, he has no idea what I am like in person... Just because he knows of other people who fell in love on-line and got married without ever meeting before, doesn't mean this will happen with me and him. And this doesn't make me feel innocent anymore, no independence, not even *in love* with this person. I feel captured! Not a wanting to chat with him anymore, but a duty. I enjoy my freedom as much as you do... Doing what I want, when I want.
Yes I am avoiding him. I have him on my ignore list. So there! What else am I supposed to do? I can't and won't put up with his emotions. It's no longer words when we chatted, it's just a connection... Whatever that's supposed to mean. I don't want to find out with him either, cause that stupid, silly connection for me is non-existent. Sorry... I'm being *naive, aren't I?
And no, he sure wasn't imposing. Yes, he was a friend, a pretty good one if that at first, but he, who brought to many emotions for me in this relationship. This shouldn't have happened, we found out each other's ages quite late, and I just happen to be a mature chatter most times then. But we all know to exchange ages early, I hope, and please don't be rude about it if the person is way older or younger... We'll all learn someday...
So, I won't reply to the e-mail. I want to forget. Forget it all. But of course this won't happen. He won't forget either. And I can't run from this, I just know it. He'll send me another e-mail! "What about?" Is the question. I truly don't want to know. I don't want to lose control over my emotions. He'll be thinking about a lost friend. A love! And that thought makes me very uneasy... "ahem," my throat's already dry.
And damn, I wish I had a life full with love and happieness, (as he pointed out in that e-mail,) so far, just like the rest of you. It would be wonderfully nice, no worries... Just beautiful, but dream, Jenna, dream! Like I always seem to do.
I should creat a public diary for people to post their dreams. LOL. Good idea? If there's not already one. If I remember any. But I forget my dreams after a short time. haha. There's one for wishes though! That I know of.
And thanks for putting up with more of my stupid complaints.
Till next time -
Jenna.
PS: I don't mean to be a prick but, did somebody recommend my diary or something? Because I was linked from yahoo-mail, by someone from the Netherlands. Strange. Wow! I was pretty surprised when I saw that one, "hahhhh!"
Yupp! I can track you people down, who ever visits my diary/website. :) Just go to the Site Meter and you'll see what the heck I am talking about.
Miss these?
Letting It Go - Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008
Moment of Disbelief - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008
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No More Cavities - Friday, Feb. 29, 2008
Ridiculousness - Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008