My relationships with people, and how I really feel.
Sunday, Dec. 29, 2002 @ 23:19
It�s more than liking a person to be their friend. I know this from many experiences, and one happened just today. It shows who really are my �true� friends. I also know this from severe depression, and my struggle with anorexia.
I sent a letter by e-mail to eight friends. Three replied, and one talked on the phone with me. That was wonderful, but I�ll get to that later in this entry. The other four, though are: to ignorant to reply and don�t want to be friends (I could say that two about two �people I know,� and for sure one other), to busy and haven�t read the mail yet, or just don�t care.
That�s very sad! That shows only 50% of the people we know and consider good friends actually care and are willing to help in any given crises.
If some people considered friends don�t care, and aren�t willing to make time for you, then don�t give them any time. Just a piece of good advice for that good 50% of you out thereand I hope you know who you are. So please, be the best friend you can be. If it doesn�t work out, then, and ou know you did your very best, it probably wasn�t your fault but the other person.
This might be a little more clear once you see the letter I wrote to them. It�s very long, yay to me. So here you go:
Subject: My dear friends, please read this.
I am writing this as truly as I can.
I think I took you guys for granted, as sick and as bad as the situation may have been for a severely depressed girl, you were holding me together.
I think the reason that I hide so much of my emotional state is because I fear you just won't believe me. It's hard when all I hear is "you create your own state of mind" or however the hell you guys say it, that we're only sad, happy, angry, worried, scared, afraid, whatever because we want to be, and that if I only wanted to be happy, I could be. I hate (and tired) of being what people say I am. But you know, you guys really think I like how I am? You think I like being sad, crying practically every day (tears I don't show you)? I want to feel better. I really do but I really just don't know what else to do myself to try and just make it better. I've been trying for months now, whether you guys know or believe that or not, and finally feeling like I've expended all my options... Well, it's very scary and I just don't know what to do at all anymore.
And I feel like every time I've ever come to you, asked you for help, it's been trivialized, told it's something else, it's hormones or, PMS or that �so and so� influence or whatever else. And do you have any idea how frustrating it is when you're just reaching out like that and, in a way, being laughed at? That�s not fair, to anyone especially. Asking someone you know and love for help, and they just can't see the true problem?
I feel like no one has ever taken me seriously. That the times that I let my emotions show are just a grasp for self-pity or attention, (exactly what depression is). And whether you choose to realize or believe that there is something wrong with me... I am not at all sorry for myself. I know how I feel, and I know there's definitely a problem, and I don't know what I have to do to make you listen, to understand, to make you believe.
That's why I hide my pain, this irrational, invisible pain ... because I'm afraid you just won't believe it, just laugh or dismiss it. You people normally would laugh then say, �Jenna�s being her typical self, trying to get attention or pity from us. Gees, if you want to be happy you will be. Get out more, meet people, and smile more."
Depression isn't about control. (Perhaps subliminally the basis for my anorexia ... maintaining of control of input, control over some small part of myself, at least...) ... A person with depression cannot control their emotions or their feelings or their urges. Depression is chaos and pain and I know this because I live it when much, much younger.
I've written letters over the years to "confess" my feelings, none of them ever actually delivered. Out of the fear that they would be taken lightlyand be pushed aside. I must admit, I'm fearful of that now, and I can only hope that you can take me seriously, and this problem seriously, and that you won't take all of this that I've had to say lightly or think of it just as an excuse. For some people, this same move may take a bottle of Tylenol or a razor blade... And I've always hoped that it would never have to come to that for me, and thus far it hasn't.
The truth is, for the last couple of months, I've reached the point where I just don't care anymore. I don't care that I dream of many ways (of dieing, that I will eventually die, and likely of my own hand, and that I don�t want to, and that's a very sad and very scary thought. You were right... That I just don't care anymore. It scared me shitless and put me into a state of desperation where I've been seeking all possible ways I might try and make myself feel better, or at least more content. And you know, I thank whatever that I have my friends online. I know you don't understand why I spend so much time alone, (alone with my cats), and think that that's my problem... It�s Arguably my only solution... But in fact it's the only thing keeping me alive right now. Not that I'd expect either of you to really understand that totally. My friends make me happy, if only from time to time and seem to genuinely care about me, and want me to stay alive. I've reached that point, after months and months (over a year, almost two years) of silence and pain. Give me credit though, I�ve over come a lot before.
This is very different. And this is a very very scary place because I no longer know what I'm actually capable of. Granted, I don't know how far yet the tunnel lays out before me, but that could be as short as a week to as long as 50 plus years, for all I know...
So my choice, in all this mess, rather, is to tell you as frankly as I can about it. I know in all these months you've probably seen me as many things, but I doubt ever as truly depressed, as I know, feel, see I am. And it hurts me to say this, but every time I've ever come to you for help and been taken lightly, every time you have ever said anything that would discredit what I know is going on in my head, well... Every time, transformed in my warped, depressed up mind, it translated to "I don't care," and I know you guy�s care about me as I care about you as well, but it's always just made me feel worse. It�s still something I have to come to terms with... It was also very hard knowing that you didn't back me or believe me. Well, there it was...
I have (or at least tried) to hold up a very brave, (strong front), but the misery has never gone away. I don�t know if it ever will let go of me, I will try very, very hard. I also find that in this situation, I'm just dying. I need to be close to those who care about me and who I care about. I need friends; I need to be able to sleep soundly without worrying, if you understand that. (I need familiarity.) I need to be me again, the one you used to know. The happy one... I must...
After all this is said, now, of course, you have the choice, whether to believe me or not, but I'm telling you, if you don't, if you tell me to stay, be strong, if you tell me I'm just fine, it's just pity... Attention... Well, I know what's wrong. And that would mean, "I don't care" in my mystical mind... And if you don't believe me, I seriously can't say what's going to happen to me anymore. I don't mean to hurt or scare you with this, but I'm telling you this straight out. You all have helped me in your own ways and I need only you people now. I am telling you people this honestly.
This has taken me quite a long time to write but nothing has changed, or at least not drastically. I don�t want this to be passed on to others for fear of myself. I don�t even think I can post this in my online diary. Please understand. I ~want~ to trust you and you to trust me like all friends should and do.
Sincerely, Jenna
PS: Please be my friends. That�s the least I know you could do, and all I�ll ask.
I really thank the ones who cared enough to reply to this. Thanks a lot, a lot, a lot.
I know I didn�t say to reply in the letter but who says you have to spell things out for your friends?
I had no idea that one of the four K. who talked to me about it went through depression also. K. and Ben both thought it was them that brushed away away a problem I came to them with, but it wasn�t. They�re much to helpful and caring for doing a thing like that. In fact, it was only one person out of three people who did, replied to me. I still have some issues, and things I need to talk to her about.
Ben was the one who called me, and we talked about each of the problems I had. I had to consistently remind him that it wasn�t him who brushed off a problem. I was mad at him once because I believed something I shouldn�t have. We resolved that though.
If you remembered that fight I had with Ben�s girlfriend Hailey, we talked it through. And luckily she believes me now. Apparently that bitch Lauretta has nothing to do with it and I�m glad I didn�t send her the letter. It took that extremely long letter to prove to Hailey that to her. Time well spent them. I couldn�t have expressed more truth in that.
To the others though, I don�t know what else to say. Let the letter speak for it�s self wheather you choose to read it or not. Maybe I over stressed certain points, I don�t know, I just tried my hardest to get through to them. And I�m just glad I know who my true friends are now.
Bye now.
Jenna
Miss these?
Letting It Go - Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008
Moment of Disbelief - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008
What the... - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
No More Cavities - Friday, Feb. 29, 2008
Ridiculousness - Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008