In Life, Does Everything Have to be so Damn Difficult?
Friday, Sept. 26, 2003 @ 16:06
I�m back! Had no Internet for a while, and I have to catch up with the million wonderful people on my buddy list. I guess my mum thinks its nice living like a rat. She won�t pay the for the cable or much else. But so much has happened though. Perhaps I could rant about how terrible these weeks were, how it was the most horrible time in my life.
But I won�t, because I know once you feel this way... Nothing can stop you!
I should be happy that I have my Evanescence CD with me.
I should be happy that I started swim team again, and my swim coach is praising me non-stop, but I only improved by half a second in two weeks. Not a good start.
Yet, there are a lot more things to be miserable about. Like how could I be happy when I am unable to visit an online friend because my friends discouraged my mother. She freaked out at me this time cause she would not be able to meet this person. Who cares? Like mum! It�s not like hell will brake loose! �Bitch!� They told her that this time I will get hurt, something bad will happen. Why the hell would anyone care anyway? Am I ever allowed to have friends? Should I just return to my old self again? The antisocial me.
Also, my friend K. (I�m sure you can figure out who she is, but I don�t want to write her name because of net-searching, although I wrote her name many times in here) saw, and read something about me. Me! She found out! I�m pretty sure I know how she found out. She is the nosiest person I know, and she�ll tell someone and everyone will know! What will they think of me? I don�t care. But all of them would likely believe K. I never got to know them much since I am kept with my homework and swimming anyway, and they are always smoking. Yucky...
The only solution is denying it all. Denying it ever happened. I don�t care. Just deny I ever hurt myself. She hasn�t said anything yet. As long as I don�t have to go to a hospital again.
My mother recently had kidney failure. She is sick all the time and went to the hospital many times.
I know nothing about failing kidneys, but I do know that when there is a problem, it isn�t easily fixed.
She was healthier since she quit smoking, and now this. It�s so scary, and she will have to get them removed.
I have not told any friends yet. Besides I don�t care to. I don�t need people to feel sorry for me. They are all in that stuck-up and irreverent stage. I don�t want to be a part of it.
I want to die. Why is it my mother with the kidney failure, and not me?
The only things keeping me alive is my cheerful, Goth cousin, cat, and of course swimming. Everything else including life has lost its meaning, so why the fuck do I have to live it? There�s no place for me here now. I mean, what is stopping me from just digging a razor blade in my wrist? Letting the blood flow, like a river. Washing all my pain, tears, and helplessness away. Can�t this end?
Jenna
*Song: Evanescence � �My Immortal�
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