It Should be Over
Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 @ 17:17
Should I quit swimming?
A part of me wants to so badly but another part of me wants to keep going. I�ve been telling myself that I can�t give up now. Recently, I found out I already placed 16th in the world! But still, I didn�t make the times for Athens.
However I didn�t want to complain about swimming because my coach and I often got in to little squabbles that were easily solved. He finally said something to me that made me wonder why I was still swimming, and it�s becoming less enjoyable because of him.
My coach told me that I am �getting fat,� that I�m eating too much again. That felt like a knife went through my chest. I can�t understand why he said that! I am practically the fittest one on the team. I wanted to scream, �So you want me to quit now?!� I wanted to die then and there.
From the beginning I wasn�t eating much at all, only two meals a day or less. Anyways, my coach also knew about what I�ve been through in the passed, when I wasn�t swimming. But it was still an eating disorder though. And he knows about our body fat tests, which mine kept showing that I�m losing body fat. And aren�t athletes supposed to have more calories than the regular non-active idiot?
I stood there, listening to his bloody words, trying not to burst out in to tears or fall over from dizziness. Finally I told him I needed to go to the washroom.
I didn�t want to go back in to the pool; instead I stood there in the smelly washroom crying. And that was the first time I ever cried about swimming.
How could someone be so cruel? I don�t think he�ll understand how damaging that was, and it�s hard not to convince myself he doesn�t care, that he said that. He probably thinks that he has all control of me and that nothing else matters to me but swimming.
Well, he�s right. If I wasn�t swimming, I�d almost certainly be dead by now. So is that why I want to give up? Just so I can die?
I know that he�s just being honest. I mean, why would he lie? I should have asked him what he wanted me to eat from now on. Or would that be nothing?
Nothing from now on! But it is only going to take days before everyone knows about it again. Lucky, last time I was still able to avoid the hospital in some cases. Although this time I can blame it on my coach, or will I be blamed for listening to him?
You might think my coach is a fool. Indeed he is a perfectionist, when we make the littlest mistake in swimming or dives. And flips out when someone misses a swimming practice. When we are committed, we have to just listen to him. We did after all sign that stupid contract. And I realize I can�t quit then.
I realize I have to listen to him.
I realize I have no choice.
I realize I have to starve myself.
I realize I need to be way more fit.
I realize I have to be better than sixteenth placement in the world.
I realize I have no control over what my coach says and if I am eating too much, well then, I am. But I can�t become weak either.
So he is saying this because he wants me to become weak?
I�m too scared to ask him why he said this. He said that so plane, not sarcastically, not humorously, not happily, just plainly.
The next time I go to practice, I will act like nothing happened, like I wasn�t offended, cause I don�t think he sees me as I am now. I will just have to do what I need to. I want my coach to be happy. And, to hell for me.
Jenna
Miss these?
Letting It Go - Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008
Moment of Disbelief - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008
What the... - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
No More Cavities - Friday, Feb. 29, 2008
Ridiculousness - Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008