A little bit of History
Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 @ 23:58
Lost the Internet for a while. One day I just tried to sign in and the whole laptop went boom! Really, a file corrupted somehow and I try to get everything back. Hopefully soon, but for now I have to make do with this crappy old, slow computer.
So anyway, I feel it was a good decision to lock this diary, I can get a lot more said with hardly a worry. I mean, by no means is it going to be filled with something like suicide thoughts or anything. Now I will probably be kicked off a lot of diary rings sorry to remind the �Gold members� who read this. Darn... That�s understandable though.
I was fortunate to take the whole week off from school. Since it started on a Wednesday we didn�t feel like it was necessary. There are a lot of us who aren�t attending this week, and we got a lot of work thrown at us for that. So this means I probably won�t be swimming for a while either.
And. I found out my friend isn�t going either. Kyle. Through friends he obtained my email, and well we�ve been talking ever since. I hardly ever saw him at school and I found out he really likes me. Well I like what I see so far, we have so much in common and that�s important to me because we at least understand each other very well, and I don�t have to explain things, and we always seem to have something to talk about, for hours on end! I feel special, and on MSN he told me I am special. I only meant it as a joke but then he told me I am. Ah, that is so cute! I mean, I really didn�t expect that.
But, I feel so unsure about the whole thing. Kyle is younger, and the first one who has liked me that is younger than me, so this is new. But, I always begin to look back in the passed about my failures and relationships that it really hurts me. Well, it�s really not the usual, break-ups and all. I was insecure about writing this while this was open for criticism. I didn�t want to seem like such a poor lost soul or something...
Just over a year ago, May 2002 my first love Franz Keller, died of anorexia, and I couldn�t do anything about it. I was with him for four years. That really hurt so much. I really cared for him and I know it�s hard to imagine an eleven year old finding her love, and he was sixteen years. A psychologist at the time felt that it was not good for me to be going to Germany and I got my passport taken away. That�s completely another story though.
So I couldn�t do anything to stop him at all! Friends from there continually updated me on what was going on. The last conversation I had with him, I was so scared. I would have done anything to be there. I knew he needed help while he was in the hospital but I felt like no one cared enough. I really didn�t know what was going on there. Knowing that I couldn�t be there with him I think caused him to leave. He didn�t tell me much about his passed nor family. I get tears in my eyes the more I think about it. But this was four years and he had to go! I pleaded with him to stay for me, I even told him to try and get another girl, as silly as that sounds to me looking back on it, but I was desperate...
Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep. I can�t even feel his presence, unlike all those other people who are hurt over a death feel their loved ones presence but I can�t. No sent of cologne and hardly a voice, and that must make me seem so cold. There�s hardly anything to hold on to, but two heart necklaces with diamonds. We really didn�t exchange much during those years, I still lived in Canada and it seemed I could never visit Germany enough during those times.
I planned to go back for the 2006 world cup that would be such a memory. If I were to ever visit his grave though, I�d probably get sick, and become so death stricken and probably kill myself right then and there.
I remember the first night we met. I went to visit a friend and he also had many other friends over. Yeah, I also wont forget they were drinking too, but I had one sip of someone�s beer, it was so Goth damned sour! I just couldn�t... So I was really interested in these people, we got in to a huge discussion about pills. The person beside me wasn�t saying much and I wasn�t too interested in the conversation either. I talked to him, and we introduced each other. He had such a soft low voice. He spoke carefully it seemed. I noticed I�m drawn to the strong, silent type. We started talking about many things, not really relating to us personally, but it was still good to talk to him that night.
Over those two months we�ve talked often and I really began to like him more and more. I was surprised one night he told me he didn�t want to keep his feelings hidden from me. And things really progressed from there. We spent long moments in each other�s arms, kissing... I miss *him so much. Friends of his said they noticed him change, that he was really quiet when I wasn�t around and really chatty to me. Days slipped by unnoticed, they were so fast, and I was back in Canada in school before I knew it. When Christmas came I went back for three weeks. Franz gave me a little heart necklace and I gave him some German CD and a few Canadian coins cause he never seen them before.
The next summer I went back for five weeks. Mind you they were the best days of my life! As I look back on previous notes (that were written in German) I was so in love then. I even wrote down many quotes from him. I miss those words so much. Spoken out loud words, in person. How he made me so happy. I was his �Wenig Herzens Lieben� to special to translate. I want the love back, not the pain. I guess we could never understand why people do the things they do. I know that feeling now. It�s awful, tormenting... And if this doesn�t explain the depression I had and still sometimes have, I don�t know what will.
No matter how indifferent I may seem sometimes, no one in this whole world could ever replace him. He�s made me who I am today, quiet, soft-spoken. Before that I was so excited, outspoken, that�s how I met him. I love to look at it that way, he�s changed me.
This brings me back to Kyle. I don�t want to hurt him, nor should I let this chance slip by instead of pushing him away. I�m so confused though... These days I�m hardly sure of anything, I convinced myself who ever I love will die on me. *shrinks back* I�ve got to quit writing now...
Miss these?
Letting It Go - Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008
Moment of Disbelief - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008
What the... - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
No More Cavities - Friday, Feb. 29, 2008
Ridiculousness - Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008