I feel my Grave Calling me
Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 @ 18:31
I really don�t know how to begin this. I�m feeling a little chilly right now. It�s getting cold, and closer to my grave.
I just have the strongest temptation to wrap the cord from the laptop around my neck, and pull, pull hard! I can�t cry, it�s not even sad anymore.
I seriously thought I was getting better, that I could face this. I thought everything could be great again and that I had everything under control, a new beginning. I even told the counselor that. And now that I can�t, she�ll probably think I betrayed her. She won�t trust me anymore, but I really thought this was over. All the more reason to die.
Every day that passes by seems all the same. As boring as those days of the Goth damned literacy test, seemingly endless and just boring. Nothing is exciting, and sometimes I just don�t want to do anything. Everyone around me is going crazy. They like to make all these weird animal calls and screams; I never heard anything more annoying in my life! They think it�s cool to not do their work, or leave it to the very last minute, and make others do their work for them. Maybe it�s just pointless for me to name all the things that irritate me, cause who the hell would want to listen anyway?
I think the only person that is sane right now is my cousin. I wanted my cousin to be here, to make me smile but my mum pushed him away. She�s taking everyone and everything away from me. She tried disconnecting the Internet but I think I�m smarter than that! And she�s only made my situations worse.
I tried to do my works and tried to concentrate, and keep myself busy. But my mother had to come home...
She came home just a little drunk, after being in a hotel with GOD KNOWS WHO! It�s like she has a death wish, she knows that it isn�t good for her to have alcohol when she had kidney failure.
And I can�t believe I�m actually writing this in here but she told me she wants me to �die.� Because I don�t eat and because I self-mutilate. Oh, how could I forget, also because she doesn�t care. Somehow she knew the counselor wasn�t helping me, and I wouldn�t know how to tell her that it is mainly my mother for the most part.
Who the hell would care for a girl caught up in her own spider web of problems, no sense of direction anymore, just wears black clothes, black nail-polish, and recently too much make-up, and who doesn�t really know how to live life anymore? Well, don�t let her suffer, let her take herself away from her misery.
My only choice is to extract blades from a razor and hope that I will bleed just enough. If I don�t, then if anyone finds out, I guess I am not going to the damned concert.
I should just die...
Jenna
*Song: Godsmack - "Make Me Believe"
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