How could I have fallen so ill?
Friday, Dec. 13, 2002 @ 22:13
I don�t understand. Why don�t I seem real or feel real? How do my thoughts and mind exist?
Okay, that was a little weird. I am just so ill now. So weak, it feels really strange. I can�t let this take over! And I really hate when I accidentally hit the wrong keys.
I totally refused to take Advil, and I refused to eat at all cause my tonsils are completely swelled up and I won�t be able to swallow very well. I�m really scared, my body fat is getting really low, the last time I checked it was 15.0. I can feel me losing more fat or weight because well, I only menstruated for 60 hours, barely two days! That�s a sign of sickness right? My mother wanted to take me to Emergency cause I think her best friend tried convincing her there was something totally wrong with me. I wouldn�t let her take me there, and of course I didn�t tell her about my period, then she would have forced me!
But I had to say �no!� I know how bad Canada�s health care is now, and how full the hospitals are now. I wouldn�t want to be someone extra with a little illness and be pushed on the side to be treated many weeks later! Fuck that! I can now take control, gees mother!
I only have congested sinuses, and swelled tonsils, tingly back, feel warm or very cold, and a fever. Things my mother dealt with before, it�s nothing new to her, and it�ll all end in a few days anyway. So why did she mention emergency this time? That bothers me; she knows how much I hate hospitals, doctors, needles, non-herbal medicines, pills, and chemicals being forced in my body! I could never trust them. I would never go to emergency! Never, never, never! That is at least something I can say �never� about.
I can think of other reasons why I am so ill besides low body fat: once I get really active (soccer, gymnastics, swim team) my immune system becomes very weak. Another reason is, (this might sound really gross): Some time this week I shared a two liter coke with more than five people and I think one was a little sick. Or maybe, just simply the old way: Someone coughed on me. Another way is: eating or touching something full of germs. There�s no way I can be allergic to cat hair!
No matter what, I�m sick either way!
I really feel like I don�t exist, like I am a nobody and so estranged from everything, even a computer. I need help but not emergency help or food help, nor do I need a lot of weight back. I just need caring help, I actually got a lot more attention from my mother now that I�m sick but it feels a little too over protective, cause she won�t let me go to any public places, not even to the corner store. She doesn�t want me outside at all! Why should I bother complaining?
Bye now
Jenna
PS: It is an unlucky Friday 13 for me. How much worse can things get?!
Miss these?
Letting It Go - Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008
Moment of Disbelief - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008
What the... - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
No More Cavities - Friday, Feb. 29, 2008
Ridiculousness - Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008