Starting to Face it
Sunday, Jul. 17, 2005 @ 20:53
Oddly enough, I am in one of my writing moods like I used to be before. I just realized that I could once again have this feeling back. The feeling of true love. I am very lucky, and I can�t ever give this up. The bond is just so strong. I wish everyone can have this feeling of fulfillment.
Once I lashed out at my sweetie, I thought I lost everything. I am so lucky. Whatever it is that brought us back together, we can�t lose. I just basically broke down and cried. Accepting the fact that I am bipolar was the hardest thing in the world. I never new it would have to go that far. I could have lost him for good. I would have lost everything if I didn�t admit I have a problem. Now it�s just a matter of me getting the courage to walk into that hospital, which I have to do. It�s what he is counting on me to do. I can�t let him down, ever. It�s easier for me to say all this now because it would be harder to tell someone at the hospital face-to-face.
I never told him that I heard a statistic on the news about violence in relationships being so high, that made me cry. I don�t want to be a part of that statistic. Every now and then he reminds me about June 28th, the day I lashed out. I don�t blame him for doing it though, I am not proud of what I did, and it�s his way of making sure that it doesn�t happen again. It really hurt both of us and I still wonder why he took me back. Like he said, �In our hearts, it was never gone.�
I could blame my depression a lot of things, but the main thing is I have to get over it. My mother was an alcoholic and I used violence to get her to stop, so I guess I am used to using that unnecessary method to get my way. I also have a very strong fear that I will lose my boyfriend because of the death of my first love. And another thing about my mother, why would people get intimate and not even know each other�s names? I feel sick at that thought. I don�t even know my real father�s name. She can tell me a million names and I will never believe them. I�ve already written something about that, but it�s just something I can�t get over. I just have to think slut, tramp, and whore. Why did I have to be conceived from such lust? I don�t hate that lady though, everyone makes mistakes and we must all live with them. She�s a strong woman. We were both abused by my step father. To the point where I had to eat nail polish. I haven�t told anyone that, it�s just too painful to face. He was out of our lives for the longest time and now he can�t stop calling us, and if he starts crap again, I won�t hesitate to call the police. I would do what my mother couldn�t.
I feel so bad that I may have lost a friend because I went back to this guy. Jesse, pulling some more guilt-trip crap on to me. It�s gotten so bad that he is falling apart right in front of me. I kept telling him how much I wanted him without knowing actually how much that meant to him. I feel downright guilty for leading him on like that. I am so horrible. If that�s not bad enough though, another girl did the exact same to him, but before I did. He has lost hope, faith, and probably trust in girls. I�m not saying he is going to consider changing directions, it�s just he may not go for this other girl I introduced to him. I really want him to be happy and have faith in himself. In order for him to get over it, I told him that it really isn�t that bad for him. He has never had someone he loves die on him. He�s had elders pass away because of cancer, but not a lover who starved themselves. Of course it�s awful for someone to pass away either way. I just never knew that my first love had any issues about life, so there was no way I could have tried to prevent it. I don�t want to know what cause him to make that choice. It would probably hurt me even more so it�s better not to know. My boyfriend and I agreed that I have to do everything I can to get over him. I don�t know what to do about the diamond heart necklaces he gave me though. I love them, but whenever I touch and wear them, all the feelings and memories come rushing back to me, and I go back to the state that makes me want to die. My mother said that I could go back to Germany next year, but that�s because I convinced her I was going to the world cup for soccer. I would really go to see my first love�s grave, which I�ve never visited before. It would be a happy ending, but a sad ending for my boyfriend. I guess it�s not worth it to go. How can I possibly convince myself it�s not worth it?
My boyfriend and I were talking about going on a vacation together. Just us two. To the land of the faros. What a time that will be, I can only imagine. My mother was ecstatic to hear about that idea. She really wants us to be happy.
Whatever happens, I will cherish every moment of it. I�m wondering if I should show him this site. He deserves to know. Maybe I can get him to post here also. I�ll think about it, but if he happens to stumble across this, I wouldn�t mind. I just can�t wait to see him again. I can�t wait to hug him and tell him how much I�ve missed him. I won�t see him for another month, because Wednesday I am off to Winnipeg, then two training camps, then the big games.
On the web, I came across a similar situation like ours. It is very long, but it can be found here.
Jenna
*Song: �Breaking Benjamin � Away�
Miss these?
Letting It Go - Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008
Moment of Disbelief - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008
What the... - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
No More Cavities - Friday, Feb. 29, 2008
Ridiculousness - Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008