The one you love can be the best hero
Tuesday, Jul. 19, 2005 @ 21:24
The one you love can be the best hero
Such relief from yesterday. I basically killed off one of the most ruling factors of my life. My boyfriend and I talked about everything dealing with the death of my first love. He tried convincing me that it would be okay to go back to Germany and visit his grave, but I couldn�t. I couldn�t do it with him there because I wouldn�t be able to express myself fully. By expressing myself to the fullest extent means doing the inevitable. It would never go that far because I am not going back. Going to Germany and yelling at his grave won�t give me closure. I was totally blinded by my own judgements about his death, thinking I had to do with it. Anorexia stems from something deeper. He betrayed me. I couldn�t help him. The main thing, my boyfriend has helped me get over him. He helped better than anyone else could have. He seems to have only concentrated on trying to get closure and trying to face the passed, which I knew would only hurt me more. I still want to go to the hospital and get evaluated after the games.
What I realized was that sharing in the pain can sometimes be the best way to heal.. I miss him! I still can't seem to explain what losing someone does to you. I swear I felt my sanity slip away. The human mind is fascinating in that way. It�s like traveling through a thick fog. You remember everything before and after, but somewhere in the middle it was kind of hazy. I think that is our own way of protecting ourselves from remembering something that is so unbearable. In many ways though, I am thankful for that haze because there is so much that I didn't want to remember. Only good things.
My first part of the healing process was to TRY and pretend that I could somehow get through things without him around. I could just think, what is the point of going on without my love? Why not just end it all right now!
I really thought that things would be better off if I could somehow forget him completely. Then I figured why would I want to do that? If he meant so much to me, why should I forget him. A lot of him is in me and that is what I need to carry on. I HAD to get in touch with enough emotions to be able to put him behind, yet NEVER forget him. It's really an impossible thing to do when you love someone so much that you just can't live without them. That is when it comes down to what I believe. You can't fight fate. What is done is done. You can't change it, and there is nothing you can do to reconcile it except to find some peace within yourself.
That�s what I�ll do is try to find peace, and maybe, someday, I will let go. I�m already at the point where I don�t ever want to end up like him, and I�ve allowed myself to open up my heart to someone. I can�t ever aford to push this guy away, it would hurt me too much. I have a real strong fear that I will, and I won�t be able to deal with the consequences. We promised each other that we won�t break it off, and he said the best thing imaginable: �Then I guess we shall be together for as long as we hold breath.�
I was reading though and I came across this quote, �When you love someone so much you will do anything for them. You will cry the cry, you will laugh the laughs, you will fight the fights, and you will never forget the endless nights.� (Stephanie Smith)
Jenna
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