An Elite Athlete Facing True Reality
Saturday, Mar. 01, 2003 @ 19:41
I knew I had to update sooner or later...
I know the last entry I wrote was before I went to my friends place. Everything after that visit went down from there with mixed emotions about everything. And no it�s not about school, cause that�s all great for the most part...
While I was with my friends for that weekend, all we did was a little bit of shopping and I had to suffer with being on the phone for 7 hours straight. Oh, and eating lots...
Having so many friends these days has changed me drastically. I wear make-up, my style of clothing and music has changed, my hair is shorter, my attitude has changed, and my mother hates it but in a sense we still get along. The dating scene changed. I don�t want anything to be different but I hate who I�ve become.
All I know is that I am a girl with a boyfriend (ever since last Monday), and an athlete who made it to Edmonton for Canadian Nationals in swimming. Of course I don�t hate that about myself. And those were what kept me away for quite a while. But... These days I have a tremendous fear that I will lose a lot of relationships with people since I am again, struggling with anorexia. I hate having to hide it. My boyfriend already knows about it, and this time I can�t lose him. I didn�t even recognize myself; it�s the wrong time in my life to be struggling right now. I thought I was over this. I can�t seek help since the only thing that is most important to me is swimming. Nationals are not until the summer but I still need to practice and practice, at 5:30 in the morning twice a week. Because of all these things I am not at home very often and therefore I�m not being forced to eat. And I won�t and can�t.
Why do things have to be so damned difficult. My sweetie keeps saying: �You are going to eat if you want to or not...
Don�t worry you are going to eat.
Okay?
I am not going to sit hear listen to this and watch you not at school and do nothing. What do you think I am?
A heartless bitch who doesn't care?
Don't you see that I care about you and I am not going to let you do this to yourself. To bad for everyone who agrees wit you that this is a good thing, especially your fucked up friend Thomas...
Why?
And why is this change?
Cause him?
Huh?
He agrees wit you that this is a good thing, doesn�t he?
If he does, I am going to fucken knock him out. I will do this because I love you. I swear if you do this to yourself...
Trust me, you are going to eat. If you want to or not. No matter what you say. There�s nothing that you can do or say...
I will never let you hurt yourself. Too bad for you, and to bad for all the fucks that agree with you. That�s no joke. I love you. And you are never going to hurt yourself. Not as long as I am around. You only have one life...
What will happen to your marks in school? Don�t you care? What will happen with your swimming?
What will happen to us?�
When he told me this, all I could do is cry. He also told me if I kept it up, I would be in the hospital and I won�t make it to Nationals then. I hate thinking of what might happen to me. And that Thomas guy he mentioned, well, is encouraging me to starve myself. Yeah, even I think that�s a little odd.
My sweetie�s so strong. I shouldn�t go against him. But I hate the way this effects him. But also, this is my life. I wouldn�t let anyone put me in the hospital, far from him...
Fuck, I�m really scared. This is my diary and I can�t even check who�s reading it. This makes me so agitated. I�ll have to see what�s wrong with the web counter/tracker. Hmmmm, I see they still have server troubles around here still. Ah well.
Good day everyone.
Hope to update soon. Missed you all...
Jenna (On survivor, lol).
P.S.: I am a bad daughter. I totally forgot it was my mother�s birthday yesterday and I didn�t get anything for her. She forgave me though.
Miss these?
Letting It Go - Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008
Moment of Disbelief - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008
What the... - Sunday, Mar. 02, 2008
No More Cavities - Friday, Feb. 29, 2008
Ridiculousness - Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008