If I only knew better
Sunday, Jun. 13, 2004 @ 20:45
Everything is just making me miserable. I tried to be happy by going out shopping with my mother again. This time I got millions of knew items. The more depressed I get, the more of a shopaholic I become. I bought this $130 claw (real silver) and I am not afraid to use it, shoes, lots of clothing, spider earrings, another dog collar, and a leather jacket. When I was trying on these arm things, the kind that Amy Lee has, my mother saw the scratches, �Oh, you scratched yourself again?� I didn�t say anything, I was to afraid she would throw everything away from me and run home and behind my back sell the Evanescence tickets. I swear to gaud, I will die if I ever miss that concert. I would seriously have the courage to slit my wrists if that happens.
My friends saw my arms as well and told on me again. This time I had to go to the hospital and waited in emergency for 2 hours just listening to this 3 year-old girl screaming about her eye. Then I finally got to talk to this psychologist. I tried to tell her everything about what was wrong but she was very abrupt with me.
Her: �There are other ways of dealing with your mental anguish.�
Me: �Well, I am not going to turn to alcohol, or stop myself from eating again.�
Her: �Smart...�
Me: �And it�s not like I am magically going to stop cutting either.�
Her: �Of course not. I call it a coping habit.�
Silence.
Her: �So tell me one thing Jenna, are you suicidal?�
Then I became really hesitant and to afraid to admit I was suicidal. She was scary. She had this horribly low voice. If I were to say, �I want to kill myself,� she probably would have thrown me in to this dark room all tied up. And I would be alone, trying to hold my breath for as long as I could. Okay, enough of my fantasies. Reality is, I lied. I lied so I could go back to school and finish my exams and try to make myself happy. I failed at keeping things cool with my friends. The most of them, including some who lied straight to my face, say I did it for attention. I don�t care what they believe. I am only trying to cope with my pain. If I were to do it for attention, I would have done it a hell of a lot more often and screaming about it. But if they are not willing to hear me out, then they are not my friends at all.
The psychologist turned me away, �There�s no need to worry about her,� she told the nurse. That didn�t convince the nurse so now I�m stuck explaining things to another lady on a weekly basis. After all, it seems as if they don�t really have to time to help me. I�m not suicidal enough. It just makes me even more depressed having to go through these events with all the people so I�m just going to shut myself up. I don�t want to deal with it anymore. I mean, how am I supposed to be happy now? No one cares at all weather I exist or not, the stress of exams, I am cut from swimming and not staying very active which was very important to me, and something else I can�t do anything about since I�m in Canada. I just got my passport renewed last month, why the hell can�t I go to Europe? My mother has a visa.
It�s beginning to feel like last August. I keep getting these reoccurring thoughts about killing myself. At night I keep crying and the desire for more blood is much stronger. I wonder what it would be like to bleed to death.
Jenna
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