Life with out a father...
Saturday, Aug. 24, 2002 @ 08:23
Okay, this entry is for nicedream06 diary, for fatherless people, and what and how we feel about being fatherless...
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How much could be better with a father? I always enjoyed my freedom, but I guess it's the need for belonging. I often wonder. What would be different with him in my life?
I have never met him. My mother doesn't even remember him. Not even how they had met. Nothing. Nothing at all... She likes to think he was a pilot, intelligent, and faithful.
Yeah, we all dream for a perfect life, perfect parents, wonderful friends. Don't we?
I don't even look like my mother. My skins a lot lighter than hers, I have blue eyes, she has brown. Her hair is a tad darker, thicker, and more curley, not much though. I am also taller than her. But, do I often remind her of that little nothing? The non-existent memory?
Of course, she loves me dearly! I'm the yungest, the different one. Sometimes I wish she would go back to that day, when she met my biological father, known what he looked like. Where she even was. Where he is now? Is he even still alive? I wonder. Does he want to look for his child? Or am I not the only one?
I hate to dwell on this, but mysteries are what I have a problem with.
I am sure I wonder what others do when getting to know someone. And I wish I could get the chance to know what he would have been like... Just simple questions like: Likes? Dislikes? Sports? Big family? Jobs? Kind of car? Travel? Speak other languages? Have a father? Grow up with both parents? Siblings? Pets? ...
All my other sibilings know who their father is, cause they all have the same one, but of course not me.
It's very strange, everyone I know has a father, loving parents... But I don't want to feel sorry for. No, pitty the last thing I would want. Just need understanding. Isn't that how us fatherless people feel?
After all, my mother grew up with both parents. She often did activities with her father, hunting, instead of knitting or cooking... And she even has ten other siblings. And, they all know their fathers.
I have had a step father, not for very long though. It all ended up with a big fight, but I don't remember a thing. Not from that day. I was told to "leave!" He was very controlling, and loud... I was maybe four, and I don't remember a sound after that dark, "leave!"
He was a nice step father as I remember sometimes, though, stubborn, genorous, giving, and caring... I just personally have a bad habit of remembering not so good things about people ... Anyway...
Was my biological father that way? Did he not want to stick around because he was afraid his emotions would get in the way? Or to yung to take the responsibilities. But my mother was either twenty-seven or twenty-eight then. Parents should be well settled by then, right?
It's strange, seeing mum turn to others for help financially and emotionally. Well, not so much financially, she's had very good jobs, and my siblilings all have their own jobs, families... And mum's very independant, she has raised me well, I don't really like to say this but, there's not much more I could have asked for. I have a lot to thank my mother for.
What would I say, if I ever met him? I could never in my mind invision a conversation with a parent I never met, unfortunately. There's just to much unknowns in that area. To many questions... Does this mysteriousness or unknownness effect my relationships with other people? Even my personallity? How I treat others? Why I prefer to be alone? Yes, I am empathedic, introverted, intuative, intellect, opinionated, not really that nice, kind of judging, blah!... Was he like this too?
My mother used to tell me when I was much younger that my father died of a heart attack after she was one month pregnant. I don't see why she told me this lie. Even thought of it. What makes her think that I wouldn't have understood this? Well I do know the truth now.
I don't feel unloved, rejected, or unimportant, it's just a life baring mystory.
I have never thought of doing a parent finding thing or whatever there called. Aren't the chances to slim? And I don't know if mum would agree to it, but I do recall her saying she does want to find out who this very mysterious person is.
But, if this does ever take place though, it would be an interesting day indeed.
Love you all
Jenna.
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