Don�t read if you think I�m better
Saturday, Oct. 04, 2003 @ 21:23
I still don�t know what has control over me. But whatever it is has grasped me tighter. Choking me and I could hardly breathe.
These last few months have been really a living hell. It�s making me sick. I can�t eat anymore and the hunger pains have returned. And the scars are getting deeper and bloodier. But what no one knows and I never wrote about it in here either but last March I took quite a few Advil, but thankfully my mother used most of them so there wasn�t enough in the bottle. Now she has a bottle of Tylenol.
Pills would be a peaceful way to die. I wish I could go to Athens next year but that seems so far away, all happiness seems to far away so I should just let go. If I die I don�t have to worry about qualifying for Athens. Better yet, I naively pushed all my friends aside and they don�t even notice. I was supposed to have a friend come and visit me next weekend from Cornwall. And I will miss him. I will miss everybody, but they won�t miss me. No one will and that�s okay with me. *cries* Life isn�t for me I guess.
My cat seems to strangely know what I am feeling. I don�t know how. She is just watching over me a lot, and she is the only one who witnessed me bleeding from the razor blade. What will she do if I were to die? Only two other people have seen my scratches.
Why am I writing this in here? I don�t want anyone to care. Because it just doesn�t make me feel any better, nothing ever will and I�ve tried and tried but now I gave up hope. There�s only one solution. I wish I had more time to write out why this has happened to me. Yet, who cares? I don�t have a whole plan yet or when I will. But I know my options. Maybe I can die on my birthday when I shouldn�t have began but that seems again to far away, next month, next week, in a couple of days, or perhaps tomorrow. Nothing can stop me now.
*Jenna
Miss these?
Letting It Go - Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008
Moment of Disbelief - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008
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Ridiculousness - Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008