Lack of Control
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2003 @ 01:09
I�m still always questioning myself. Weather you readers realize it or not.
When I become non-communicative and apathetic, that��s when I begin to hate myself. I begin to feel worthless and I tell myself how �worthless� I am because of all the things I didn�t accomplish... That�s when I get really scared. And it�s hit me recently.
Depression? I don�t know if I want to call it that because maybe if I keep denying it, somehow I�ll be able to keep fighting it.
I don�t know when this all started for me. My mom has always told me that I�ve never been really happy. So perhaps this has been a constant in my life and I just never saw it for what it was until right about now; and that really frightens me.
Feeling like I would never amount to anything. People would ask others about me and they�d say that I had this shell, and was extremely quiet. I also didn�t care about keeping in contact with anyone. Sometimes still, I just can�t interact with anyone that well. That�s what I totally dislike about myself.
Everyday was and sometimes is a constant battle, and I�m continually asking other people if they think I�m okay. Am I acting normally? I�m never sure. I don�t even know what normal is anymore these days.
Sometimes I felt like I would have a nervous breakdown. Paranoia and panic attacks nearly on a daily basis.
Yes, People have told me that what I�m going through is normal And that I am perfectly fine. It�s still hard for me to believe them because when I start slipping I am unable to stop myself. And it fucking scares me to death.
No, I refused to let myself think for one second that I couldn�t control these feelings. I would get that sick feeling and those panic attacks, and I would choke them down...
Before, the only thing that turned me free from depression was becoming involved with more school activities, sports, etc. And while I kept myself very busy, I was okay. I was able to motivate myself to go out with people again, and once again function like I had before. I�ve had some minor low points but nothing overly serious.
So perhaps I can fool myself once again that I have this thing beat and under control. But really, it doesn�t work easily that way. There�s not much that can stop me from the pain and constant worrying.
I hate myself for not doing anything to change my situation, but I was unable to come up with any possible solutions. I even stopped eating, I wrote about that somewhere in here.
Plus, I was constantly deceived by my judgment. A friend of mine having a crush on me, and not knowing how to deal with that. And feelings that people who I admired and respected and thought of as friends all hated me.
All these weird things that I simply built up in my head. I continually thought, �I�m never going to be happy.� I felt like a failure, and that feeling only grows. I thought I was okay; That maybe I had a handle on myself, and that I could keep a certain degree of control. But I couldn�t. The whole time I would be thinking, �How can I do this to myself? I should just relax a little.� That I learned from a few close friends.
So, I�ve been trying to find ways around this. I�m thinking perhaps Goth atmosphere and not doing what I want to do has a lot to do with these periods of depression. Maybe it is normal, but I know that not all Goths are not naturally depressed; I just happen to be.
Like I said, I�ve begun to forget exactly what normal is, and the things that I view as being everyday occurrences are anything but normal to everyone else.
So yeah, there�s still a lot to say about depression. There�s a lot I wanted to say but never enough time to organize all my thoughts so sorry about the blabbing.
Jenna
Miss these?
Letting It Go - Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008
Moment of Disbelief - Thursday, Mar. 06, 2008
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No More Cavities - Friday, Feb. 29, 2008
Ridiculousness - Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008